Student of/for Life

The paradox of the flexible identity

There was a solid couple of years, not that long ago, when I spent much of my time regretting my life path, what I had studied in school, where I had ended up in my career. This was, interestingly, also a period of time where I was shaking up a lot of the things I thought had been true. But the overarching theme of that time was that I felt so stinking stuck.

I later learned I wasn’t stuck. I had just forgotten my agency. I often don’t know what’s more troubling - the stuckness or the vast array of choices. But agency is not just about looking at the vast array of choice because that can create it’s own kind of paralyzation. Agency, in my experience, requires little, compounded actions towards a way of being. I don’t really see it as something as simple and linear as actions to achieve some goal. I see it more as a bubbling aliveness, an openness to subtle tweaks and changes, and learning.

I’m haunted by this prospect that there is a spectrum of aliveness. That we can go our whole lives blaming others for our situations, missing the insane amount of interesting information or beauty or just missing something really special about the people we love. Someday I’ll write about resonance but this is not that. No, for this piece I want to hover and delight in this topic of learning and it’s importance in agency.

What strikes me most about this time in my life versus my stuck era was that I am deliberately cultivating an identify of a student. And, you must know, I tend to avoid identities, if possible. It’s not that I’m totally against telling the world you’re “this” or “that”, it’s more of a caution around reducing the fullness and messiness and potential of what it is to be human, to be you. I’ve seen, too often, how identities can create their own kind of stuckness and misery. But, through careful consideration, cultivating a student identity seemed to be one of the identities that would allow for change and growth and messiness. A paradox, of sorts. A static sounding container to hold flexibility.

Although I had always considered myself a curious person, this shaping and integrating of the student identity had higher stakes. It wasn’t just a matter of asking better questions. It meant that in any situation, including the high-conflict or triggering situations, I would remain a student. That’s the thing about an identity - it’s deep and there in all situations. I had contracted with myself that this identity would remain in all contexts and experiences.

And, what this really meant, is I had to work through the uncomfortable feelings, especially around shame and anger, and learn to create more space in my body and nervous system to 1) de-couple as much as I could my thoughts from my feelings and 2) quickly move through any sort of activation so I could stay in that beautiful window of still being open to learning, or at least not lashing out.

Little, compounded actions towards a way of being.

I’ve tried to bargain this realization away but the lesson has kept knocking at my door - everything, everything you want to be or not be is a practice. It’s a daily choice. A tradeoff. Ongoing. There is no arrival.

To me, cultivating a student identity is laying the foundation for that practice. No matter who I’m listening to, talking to, reading, watching - no matter what situation I’m in or context, I am a student here to learn something, even if it’s just something about myself.

Little, compounded actions… it builds on itself. The upside is massive. As the defensive, shame-filled walls come down around being wrong or staying in some stale identity or bubble, life opens up. New worlds open up. Learning makes more of the world come online. All of these things you never considered, patterns and connections you’ve never seen before, insights and wisdom and a whole lot of compassion fill the space you’ve created. Dreaded conversations or situations become a classroom in which you get to decide what you want to be tested on. Have you ever felt that special kind of excitement that is wondering what you’re capable of right before the moment when you get to try?

What does being a student for life really look like out and about in the world?

This person really irks me - what is it about them that irks me and why? Have I ever acted similarly? If so, what was the driver of that behavior or characteristic? What is happening in my body and are there any tools to help me understand?

I can’t believe I have to do this task for my job - is this pointing me towards better knowledge about myself and what lights me up? Let me jot this down so I can craft a better idea of what I want.

These people don’t care - what other perspectives could explain their behavior?

I am so afraid of confrontation - Why? What is it about confrontation that scares me? What do I think will happen? Do I have the tools for fruitful conversations or do I need to equip myself better?

I hate my job - why am I still in this job? Are there any little actions I can take to rethink my situation? Is my mindset contributing to this, or do I need to truly make a change?

I’m not a “fill in the blank” type of person - is that actually true or have you just never considered the possibility or been a situation that would call upon you to be that.

I don’t want to interact with these people - Why? What am I afraid will happen? Is that a valid fear? How does that align with my values?

I can’t do this - Is that true? Can I consider that I can figure this out even though it may not look how I expect it to? What can I gain from putting in the effort? What do I have to lose?

This is just old age - Is it? Have I listened to my body and tried to fulfill its physical, emotional and spiritual needs? Is there anything I can do now to help my mind and body transition in the aging process?

I am certain of this - Let me double-check I have enough context and figure out if I’m treating theory as reality. Let me check my blind spots and biases so I can learn not only more about this topic but also how my mind works.

I can’t believe people think “x” - Let me engage them, look at their information ecosystem and sources and see if I can understand their view, or at least where it’s coming from.

This person is bad, don’t listen to them - Where did I learn they were bad? Who decides? What will I gain or lose from listening to them?

Etc., etc

Notice the plethoras of why’s! Sometimes I wonder if it’s the most important question - why do I think this? Because it opens up so much around what we’ve truly thought through and considered versus what we’ve just inherited through our cultures and families and group affiliations.

Maybe too you noticed that the other side of the coin of learning and being a student is discernment. The questions above lead you to sort through where you may have tripped on faulty thinking or even just non-thinking. I often wonder if the quality of our questions we’re willing to ask determine the quality of our lives.

A life of questions. At any moment willing to look at and challenge your assumptions. Just deciding to be a student in every context and moment orients you differently to the people and ideas around you (can you feel the difference?). I don’t really know if we’ll ever have a definition of aliveness but I think being a student of/for life comes close.